


it fits you better

by heartlckt



Category: Carry On Series - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Coming Out, LGBTQ Themes, M/M, Non-Binary Author, Non-Binary Baz Pitch, Non-binary character, Other, POV Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch, They/Them Pronouns for Baz Pitch, Trans Simon Snow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-09
Updated: 2020-08-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 00:15:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,043
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25794223
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/heartlckt/pseuds/heartlckt
Summary: Baz comes out to Simon & Simon surprises them with a story of his own.
Relationships: Tyrannus Basilton "Baz" Pitch/Simon Snow
Comments: 10
Kudos: 89





	it fits you better

**Author's Note:**

> tw / Accidental misgendering from Simon, Mr. Grimm being a somewhat unsupportive/mocking parent & some internalized homophobia
> 
> This is about snowbaz being trans and coming out to each other, but it focuses more on Baz, because I am not transmasc so I can’t understand or write Simon’s story in too much detail, but I tried to work in him being a trans guy in a way that would make sense in canon. Baz and I are both non-binary people who still connect somewhat with our agab, so it’s much easier for me to write their experience.

It’s hard not to feel like a failure to my mother sometimes. The Pitch line will die with me, the gay heir. It’s a shame really, but it’s not like I’ll ever be able to settle down with Snow, or any man really. If I have to find a complicit wife and wear the role of husband myself and raise three children with her, I think it might almost be worth it (For my mother,  _ no one _ else).

These thoughts visit me almost every night now– but I’m still grateful when I’m broken out of them by a knock at my door– Vera.  
“Baz,” (She respects the fact that I prefer Just Baz, and I appreciate it) “You have someone for you at the door.”

“I’m not expecting anyone.” I respond, not planning on moving.

“A classmate, I presume. He’s wearing a uniform”

This catches my interest and I set the violin down and straighten my shirt. Niall and Dev normally text before they come over– and I can’t imagine why they would be in uniform over break. I also can’t imagine who else would be here, but I decide to go and investigate regardless. I could use a distraction.

Of course, I would be lying if I said I expected to come downstairs to Father staring down Simon Snow in our foyer.

“Er, Hello Sir,” Snow says awkwardly. “Baz invited me. I’m working on a…” He pauses, clearly not knowing what to say.

I decide to step forward, “We’re working on a school project together, Father.”

“Yes! Yes we’re working on a project together. Him and I, yes.” Snow stutters out, looking round at me.  
_Fuck._ I tell this interaction won’t end well for me, but before I can do anything to stop it, Father is already speaking. “Back to him, Tyrannus?”

Classy, but I’m not sure what I should’ve expected. I grit my teeth. “My name. Is  _ Baz _ .” Now Simon just looks confused. Thank Crowley he’s thick. He probably doesn’t even know what being trans or non-binary is.

“Right.” I start, trying to steer Simon away from my father before he can do much more damage. Daphne seems to understand the situation and has chosen to be silent. I send a quiet thank you glance her way. “Snow and I are just going to head up to my room and get to work now.” I say, whisking him away.

When we get to my room, I put my hand on the doorknob, then freeze. 

“Wait here for a second Snow,” I say. I’ve just realized that if what my father said didn’t out me, the stuff I have in my room most definitely will. I know for a fact that I definitely have a pronoun button lying around somewhere that clearly states  _ they/them  _ (I wear it in the summer when I go into the city), and if fathers actions didn’t already out me to Snow, that  _ will. _

I slip into my room trying to ignore the confused look on Snow’s face. I understand that I’ll probably have to come out to Snow soon (here’s to hoping he isn’t a raging bigot), but I’d like to be able to ease him into it– god knows how much he knows about queer people. 

With what I hope is any evidence I might not be the perfect straight male Grimm-Pitch heir gone, I open the door.

“Well? I don’t have all day. Get in.”

Snow looks startled, but then enters reluctantly. I lock the door behind us– I know father and Daphne won’t bother us– we have an agreement about my room, but it’s better safe than sorry. 

“Alright,” I say. “Are you going to explain why you’re here? In my house?”

“Er.” He shifts nervously on his feet. “You… invited me?”

_Twit_. “And you said no.”  
“Well. I changed my mind.” He looks nervous. “Look, Baz can we talk about what-”  
I cut him off instantly. I don’t like where this is going. “Talk about my mother? You mean what you’re here for? Sure thing Snow.” I hope he can’t hear how nervous I am. 

“So if we can just–”

“Baz.” He cuts me off again.

_ “What?”  _ I snap at him. He’s looking at me strangely. I really don’t like where this is going.

“Uh..” He shifts and fidgets with his hands. “Uh. Baz are you.. Why did your dad act so weirdly back there?”

I’m staring now. I don’t know what to say. It turns out Snow is brighter than I gave him credit for. “I’m not sure.” I force out. “Can we please focus?”

Snow looks… disappointed? Upset? That can’t be right. “Yeah.. I.. alright. Sure.” And he drops it.

“Come.” I say, “I have books from the library.”

A wasted hour passes in which Snow and I find absolutely nothing useful. I’m trying to get Snow to repeat when he knows for the fifth time, when I realize he isn't listening to me. Guess I’m not the only absent minded one today. “Snow?” I wave my hand in front of his face. He blinks. “Have you been listening to anything I said?”

“No. I. I mean sorry I have, or I’ve been trying at least. I just–” he stutters.

“Spit it out Snow. Use your words”

“Um. I just really want to know what your dad meant.”

I sigh. It seems like he’s just going to insist on having this conversation until I give in. “Fine. What are you so concerned about.”

“Sorry.” I wish he would stop apologizing for everything. “I just feel like he acted weird when I called you  _ he _ and then it just seemed like you didn't use  _ he _ ? And he called you by your full first name and you corrected him and you seemed upset. And I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it because what if i’ve been misgendering you for ages now. And of course you don’t have to tell me anything but I just don’t want to hurt you like that. You’re my enemy, but I wouldn’t misgender you. I would hate that” He makes eye contact with me during the last bit of his spiel, and I can’t feel my face. Crowley. Simon Snow is babbling on about how upset he is that he’s been misgendering me for the last year. My life is a cosmic joke. More importantly though– Simon Snow knows the word  _ misgender? _

I realize I’m still staring at him with my jaw open when he waves a hand in front of my face. “Baz?”

Here goes nothing. “Well, If you insist on knowing. I’m  _ non-binary.  _ My pronouns are  _ they and them _ . I’m surprised you even know the word misgender. I thought I’d have to walk you through the LGBT alphabet.” I realize I might as well tell him I’m gay, since it can’t get any worse than this. “Oh, and I’m gay too. Don’t ask if you don’t understand. I don’t have the time to sit down and explain gender to cis people.”

Simon is staring blankly at me. “...Cis?”

I stare back at him. “Yes? Please don’t tell me you think that's offensive or something.”

“No.. I.. of course not. It’s just that I’m… I’m not?”

“You’re not what Snow?”

“Um. Cis? I’m trans. That's why I was so upset about misgendering you.”

I think I’m about to pass out. “Sorry, what?.” I don’t think my life is real anymore. “Next thing I know you’re going to tell me you’re gay too.”  
He shrugs. “I dunno. Haven’t really put much thought into it. I never do.” Typical.

“But you figured out you were  _ trans? _ ” I ask, bewildered.

“Well, yeah. It wasn’t hard. I didn’t have a word for it but I knew I wasn’t a girl so I just kind of went with it. The Mage said that it was probably better that the chosen one was a boy, not a girl, so he didn’t complain. Penny ended up telling me in the end about the word trans in the end.”

I stare. “And the…” I gesture vaguely at my body.

He shrugs. “I’m not really sure. I guess the Mage must’ve had some compassion because he helped me with the hormone thing. And I used to bind… but it was restricting me in battle so he decided that wasn’t working for him.”

I fall off my bed laughing. Simon is staring at me. I realize what this looks like– “Shit. Sorry Snow, I’m not laughing at your pain. Just how fucking stupid the mage is. He helped you transition because he’s  _ a misogynist.”  _ I guess it worked out for him in the end, but it’s still strange to say the least. I can’t say I’m that shocked either– the Mage has always been selfish like that.

“Yeah,” Simon sounds thoughtful. “I guess you’re right. I’m not really in a place to complain though.”

“Yeah…” I agree quietly, before realizing something. “Wait– Simon.”

He cuts me off. “You called me Simon?”

“About that. I don’t want to avoid calling you Simon if it’s the name you chose.” Talking about feelings is the worst thing to ever happen to me.

“Oh. I don’t really mind, it’s not like anyone besides you doesn’t call me Simon. And I don’t think you’re doing it to be transphobic.”

“Alright then, Snow.”

“No more Simon?”

“Absolutely not.”

We sit in silence for a little bit, before Simon breaks the silence. “So… if you don’t mind, I guess it wasn’t that easy for you? Compared to my experience, I mean”

I snort. “Well, no. It’s harder when you don’t fit the narrative that you’re trans because you grew up wanting to play with dolls instead of trains. It just took me a long time to realize I don’t fit inside the binary. And that I don’t have to.”

“I won’t pretend I totally get it–”  
“Good” I cut him off. I shouldn’t, but it’s a reflex at this point.

“But if you need to talk to someone who understands a little bit more than your parents, I’ll listen.”

“Damn.” I say. “Look at us. What a pair.” He laughs. A real, genuine laugh. I’m glad he can’t see me blushing.

“Who else knows?”

“Dev and Niall know I’m gay but not non-binary, Father and Daphne know I’m non-binary but not gay.” Simon makes a hmm noise.

“What should I do around Agatha and Penny? I complain about you a lot.”  
“Well a great solution to that would be to stop complaining about me. But if you insist, just call me Baz. Or he if I can’t hear you” He winces beside me. “It’s fine. My relationship with those pronouns is different. Being called _he_ doesn’t kill me, it just doesn’t feel like me. I’d still prefer not to hear you though.”

I’m about to do something stupidly soft. I go over to my wardrobe where I know I have an old button laying around somewhere. “Back when I thought those were my pronouns I had a he/him pronoun button because I wanted to be an ally.” I find it and toss it to Simon. “I think it would fit you better than it fits me now.”

He pins the button onto his jacket (I lent him a denim jacket– I thought it was funny.) and smiles at me.

I pin my own button onto my shirt and grab my phone, going to sit next to him on my bed. “I think I have to document this.”

His response is to just quirk his head like a confused dog at me.

“Picture. Come here.” I pull him next to me and snap a photo of the two of us. I don’t normally let myself indulge in Snows presence, but I feel like I’ve earned it today.

We don’t talk after that. Later, I notice Simon’s lightly snoring. He shifts and moves into me, and suddenly his golden curls are in my face. He’s intoxicating, and I love him so much. I love him more than anything in this world. And it’s possible that I have a chance for him to love  me back. For the first time in a long time, I feel like things might be okay for us.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N the button part is inspired by a comment I saw on a tik tok where a trans woman revealed her new name. One of the comments said that her name was their deadname and that it fit her better than it fit them.


End file.
